Forgive and…

In last week’s blog, we considered the art of handling conflict. If you are a living human being, you will encounter conflict. It’s not the conflict that is the problem, it’s unresolved conflict that is the problem. Ultimately we aim for a resolution to the conflict and a reconciliation of the relationship. But what if that is not possible? That’s where forgiveness comes in.

In Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus,  “How many times do I forgive? Seven times?” Peter was probably expecting Jesus to commend his response as that was beyond what was expected. Rabbis used to say there was an obligation to forgive three times (Amos 1:3-13). Peter doubled that and added an extra forgiveness for good measure. Imagine Peter’s response when Jesus says “seventy times seven!” Of course, Jesus is not to be taken literally here. He’s not saying to forgive 490 times. Jesus is making the point that we can’t “over-forgive.”

So what exactly does forgiveness look like?

Let’s start with what forgiveness is NOT…

1. Forgiveness is NOT excusing. It doesn’t mean we pretend the offense didn’t’ happen. It did. And it hurts. It hurts bad.
2. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. Forget the cliché you have heard for years. It’s impossible to “forgive and forget.” The human mind doesn’t work that way.
3. Forgiveness in NOT Reconciling. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean the conflict is resolved or the relationship is reconciled. For example, a business owner doesn’t rehire someone who embezzled from his business. A battered wife doesn’t move back in just because she finds forgiveness for her abuser.

Forgiveness IS…

1. Giving up revenge. How do I know that I have forgiven someone? I no longer have a desire to seek revenge. I don’t want harm to come that person’s way.
2. Wishing the other person well. Not only do I give up my desire for revenge but I truly hope good things for the person who wounded me.
3. Not an option. Those who call themselves Christians must forgive. Not only for the good of the other party but so that bitterness and resentment don’t take root in our hearts and out of that, we end up hurting others.

…bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. –Colossians 3:13

Ryan Smallwood