A man is rescued from a deserted island where he survived alone for fifteen years. Before leaving he gave his rescuers a little tour of the buildings he had constructed as a sort of one-man town over the years. “That was my house, that was my store, this building was a cabana, and over here is where I went to church.” The rescuers inquired, “What’s the building next to it?” And the man quipped, “Oh, that’s where I used to go to church.”
Conflict is inevitable. Handling conflict in a healthy manner is optional. Left to our own vices, we typically handle conflict less than desirably. Thank goodness Jesus gave us specific instructions on how to do it right.
If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend.(Matthew 18:15 The Message)
Jesus gives us these six steps to resolve conflict:
1. Acknowledge the Conflict
We could replace the word “if” in Jesus’ words with “when”. To be human is to be in conflict. If you are married, have kids, are part of a workplace, have neighbors, or are part of the church you understand conflict. Conflict is not the problem; unresolved conflict is the problem.
2. Own Responsibility
We tend to put the responsibility on the other party. We say, “I shouldn’t have to take the first step; let them come to me.” But Jesus says it doesn’t matter whether we are the offended or the offender. He expects us to make the first move (See Matthew 5:23-24).
3. Go
Jesus says “go.” Most of us tend to avoid conflict. Granted there are some who do it for recreation. But most of us are avoiders. While it’s often wise to cool down if we are angry, sweeping it under the rug is never a good idea.
4. The Person I am in Conflict With
Go directly to the person you are in conflict with even though that’s the last person we usually want to go to. It’s much easier to go to someone else to vent, find others who will agree with our side, or throw-up all over social media. Jesus makes it clear we should approach the one, and only the one, we are in conflict with.
5. Attack the Issue not the Person
We tend to attack the person. But it’s impossible to fix the problem if we are consumed with fixing the blame. We must be willing to listen first and speak second (James 1:19). Did you know it’s possible to listen and not agree? Food for thought.
6. Aim for Reconciliation
The goal is not to win the argument but to make a friend – to reconcile the relationship. Is it more important to be right or to maintain the relationship? It is possible to move forward with the relationship even if we are unable to find resolution on the issue. Reconciliation means we bury the hatchet not the issue.
Yes, sometimes it is impossible to find reconciliation. If we keep reading in Matthew 18, Jesus gives us instructions on that too! Ultimately, we must find forgiveness and I will blog about that next week.
See you then!
Ryan Smallwood
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